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South African Archbishop Warns of Selfishness, Jealousy as Most Toxic Emotions in Marriage

A poster announcing the Marriage Awareness campaign Weeks in South Africa. Credit: Courtesy Photo.

A Catholic Archbishop in South Africa has cautioned married couples and those considering marriage against selfishness and jealousy, describing both emotions as toxic to any relationship.

Archbishop Zolile Peter Mpambani who co-facilitated the Monday, September 20 session of the ongoing marriage awareness campaign of the Southern African Catholic Bishops Conference (SACBC) noted that selfishness and jealousy “form two sides of one coin” and are both killing marriages.

“To me selfishness and jealousy are two sides of the same coin. Selfishness gives birth to jealousy, which is the most toxic emotion that destroys relationships,” Archbishop Mpambani said, quoting the Letter of St. James.

The Local Ordinary of South Africa’s Bloemfontein Archdiocese noted that selfishness in marriage can cause resentment and animosity, and people who hold on to such emotion “can never truly love.”

Selfish people hold their interests as a standard for decision-making and only focus on themselves, the South African Archbishop added.

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“We might ask ourselves the question whether selfish people can truly love and the honest answer is that selfish people can never truly love because they will be less willing to compromise,” he said, and added, “This will inevitably lead to one partner giving more of themselves than the other does.”

Selfishness can also mean that we hate others as we are ruthlessly striving to satisfy our own needs, Archbishop Mpambani further said.

The member of the Congregation of Priests of the Sacred Heart (SCI) went on to describe jealousy in marriage as “a destructive emotion” that does not foster happiness in relationships owing to “insecurity and suspicion” the emotion seems to trigger.

“Jealousy in marriage is a destructive emotion; it has a potential to suffocate a happy relationship and break down the happiness that was there,” Archbishop Mpambani said during his virtual address September 20.

He added, “Jealousy can cause one to experience a range of feelings from insecurity and suspicion to rejection, fear, anger, lack of trust and anxiety.”

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Sometimes, jealousy can be confused with love, the South African Archbishop said, and used the example of a couple that used to accompany each other wherever they went in what they thought was real love to illustrate his point.

“Actually, it was the wife who was over jealous and the husband had to compromise for the sake of the relationship. It became very clear that relationship was not genuine at all,” the 64-year-old Archbishop recounted.

However, he added in reference to the two spouses whose marriage was marked by jealousy emotion, “as soon as they became aware of their pretentious relationship, they worked hard and managed to shake that jealousy off.”

“Today, they are a genuine happy couple, and they enjoy the absence of one person from the other, honest trust and true love. Jealousy is very unhealthy,” the Local Ordinary of Bloemfontein said during the SACBC marriage awareness campaign organized under the theme, “Selfishness and Jealousy in Marriage.”

Jealous people feel so overwhelmed by their emotions and insecurity that they begin exerting control over their partners, Bishop Mpambani said during the September 20 session of the marriage awareness weeks, an initiative that kicked off August 22.

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He urged spouses to work on communication issues, low self-esteem, loneliness, or difference in interpersonal boundaries, saying jealous emotions stem from such issues.

Not every jealous emotion is negative, the South African Archbishop noted, and explained, “What is positive jealousy? Not all jealousies are negative, they can also be positive for it can also motivate the couple to appreciate each other and make conscious effort to make their partner feel valued.”

“Some people get jealous and worried simply because they do not want to lose their partner,” he further observed, and added, “One partner will say, I get jealous of you when I see you are so friendly with other people because we also started as friends.”

Making reference to Moshe Ratson’s 7 Strategies on Dealing with Jealousy in Intimate Relationships, Archbishop Mpambani said that jealousy may be destructive and can poison intimate relationships and marriages.

However, he added, “If you follow the above suggestions and strategies, when jealous, you will be in a better position to build your relationship and deepen the trust.”

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Silas Mwale Isenjia is a Kenyan journalist with a great zeal and interest for Catholic Church related communication. He holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Linguistics, Media and Communication from Moi University in Kenya. Silas has vast experience in the Media production industry. He currently works as a Journalist for ACI Africa.